Diary Entry 1001:

Feeling the way out of a marriage to a narcissist…

Politics of these last few years has brought back memories I thought were buried. I recently ran across the following entry in one of my old journals and felt it was worth sharing. Dealing with any narcissist is so similar, whether it is a politician, boss, or spouse. Cutting the cord is not easy, especially when family and friends are involved.

**********

He has done it to me again…fogged my mind, folded me in a blanket of guilt.

Of course, I am to blame for everything. According to him, my behavior has almost killed him. I changed from a sweet person to a monster who has hurt him terribly. I am hurtful. I am uncommunicative. I am greedy. I am unreasonable. I have broken our marriage covenant by not talking to him. I am a viper in his bosom. If that is all true, why won’t he let me go?

He has told all these thoughts to anyone who will listen—even our children, who are not allowed to mention my name in his presence.

I feel so cut off. Are there any lengths he can’t go to make me alone? People hear him and believe him. He is very persuasive. No one ever asks what might have made me so miserable that I would be willing to give up my house, my children part of the time, my economic security, and my free time to write just to get away.

I don’t know. Maybe I did change. Maybe I turned inside out, or maybe I just finally pushed out of the shell he had me in—a role of appearances and no substance—empty and alone.

I don’t believe marriage is supposed to be like that. I was like a cardboard toy to him, in place and comforting. But there was no dialogue. If what I did was so wrong, why does it feel so right? Why are my friendships more satisfying. Why are my brothers and my mother, who have known me longer than anyone, so supportive of my decision? Did we live in parallel universes? Otherwise, how could our perceptions of our marriage be so different?

I didn’t imagine my loneliness or my anger. I did try to tell him my feelings. He simply didn’t or wouldn’t listen.

I have to totally shut down to him to preserve me. He says I am in denial and that someday I will come to my senses and see things like he does. Could it be that we have never seen things like he thinks we have? That our perceptions have always been different, but he has assumed he knows what mine are and that he will always know best?

Why do our children see our marriage the way I do? Why did the marriage counselor see things the way I saw them? How can I know all this and still feel guilty when he yells at me? The only way I’ve ever been able to win against him is to not play.

I need to get away from him. I need a job. I need to be careful not to fall into another relationship like the one I had with him. I need to be clear about who I am and what I need. And I need to be honest about all of that from the beginning.

Is it so wrong to need to breathe?

Photo by Lua Valentia on Unsplash